Choose Life or Compare your life to another

The state I live in has a license plate that says, Choose Life and that is what is on my mind at this moment.

So often in my life I have struggled with so many different issues and I only wish I had people in my life in
the past that could have pointed me to JESUS CHRIST, The Word of GOD, for all my answers and for peace
and comfort.

Anyone that knows me probably knows that my life started out rough and just kept getting worse for the
first 21 years. There are things that some of you couldn't even imagine that I've lived through and dealt
with from birth till I was old enough to fight back or run and hide. I'm NOT talking about just not getting
everything my friends had or normal parental problems and family issues that many deal with today.
Trust me, I would have traded places with almost ANY person I know if I had seen what your life was like
and compared mine to yours. The insanity, chaos, abuse, drug addicts, alcoholics, poverty, fights, etc. that
I had to witness as a baby, toddler, child, pre-teen, were enough to make a pretty decent movie. So much of
what I lived through and with as a child were things I had absolutely no control over and it was so much a
part of my life that I honestly can tell you that I didn't even DREAM of anything normal. My daydreams
went along the lines of 'running away to some ranch out west and mucking stalls just to be away from my
home and around horses' at around the 13 year old mark or a year or two later 'running away to New York
City with my little brother so I could get some jobs and raise him in a better and safer way where no one
could find us until we were both adults.' I NEVER remember even wishing or daydreaming about a life like,
well, like I have now. I cannot tell you how many times I've been washing dishes by hand and looking out
my kitchen window and just crying because I have a home, a family, a church, friends, and a life that I
didn't even know it was possible to dream about. And I have a Savior, a King, a Helper, that loves me
enough to die for me to be in a relationship with HIM. Sometimes I don't know how or why I could have
survived and lived and still loved and had any normalcy to my life, but then, that is just what my GOD is in
the business of doing. Not just cleaning up old lives, not just slapping a band-aid on my hurts and mistakes,
but my GOD is completely committed to taking a life HE created yet was stolen, and buying it back, and then
making it BRAND NEW....it's like completely starting over. That is what HE did for me as you can read below in
1992 when I gave HIM my life. Then again a year later when I had tried to live it for myself, HE made a way for
me to escape the 'trap' I had got myself into. HE opened a door for me to get away from a situation I should
have never been living with someone I should have never lived with...WHY? I do not know, but HE did. HE is
so faithful, even when we are not. HE says, I know you chose "that" over ME, but I'm not giving up on you,
if you will turn to me, step out in faith to obey what you know I have said, and leave the consequences to ME,
I will never let you go at it alone. HE used my family, sometimes lost family, to rescue me from one bad decision
and give me a chance again to live for HIM. I did try for a while and when I was so into HIS WORD, I was not
confused and struggling as much. But before long I just wanted something I could SEE with my physical eyes and
touch with my hands. I was worried about the future and did not want to do it all by myself, so I made yet another
decision that would change my life forever. But in the midst of all my walking away from the LORD and putting
some person or desire above HIM, He continued to speak to me through HIS WORD, family, friends, and HIS SPIRIT.
In the last 20 years I have made the decisions for my life, not parents, not abusers, not alcoholics, etc. but me.
And I have messed up several times, I've ignored the wonderful, loving, godly advice of people who cared about me
and I have to humble myself and go back and ask for forgiveness, which is NOT easy. But I can say that I have almost
no major regrets and nothing at all that I feel the need to hide and bury so deep to keep others from knowing about. So,
while I am constantly struggling still fear, worry, and trying to be humble, I am thankful that the life I have, the places
my feet go, the things my hands do, the words my mouth speak, the feelings of my heart and the thoughts of my mind,
all of these have belonged to the LORD for nearly 20 years so that if my life was flashed on the big screen at my church
on Easter Sunday, I would not crawl under the pews or run out the back door, but I think I would take the mic and just
walk everyone through everything. NOT because I'm perfect and never fail but because I don't have anything to hide.
I would be embarrassed by some things I've thought or said but nothing that would keep my away from my family,
friends, church family, etc.

And the greatest struggle for me has been the same for years. I am a mercy (spiritual gift), I love people, all people, too much,
so much I physically feel pain when someone I know and sometimes people I don't know, are hurting, and I also get angry at
people when they are hurting themselves or someone else I love dearly. On top of being a mercy, my 'love language' is Words
of Affirmation, and let me tell you, it hurts me to the core when people speak negative, critical, mean, unnecessary words. It does not matter if those words are directed towards me, about me, or about a total stranger, I despise negative and criticial remarks. (BUT at the same time I am a huge fan of TRUTH and sharing TRUTH in Love, I love AND appreciate constructive criticism very much and actually want to be told things that would help me grow or be a better person).
Sometimes you know that people can speak VOLUMES with their body language and their expressions too, and I hear those
exactly the same as I hear words that come out of peoples' mouths. And because of the life I had as a baby, small child, and
teenager, reading people correctly was a survival technique that I could NOT afford to do without. So, you add all that together,
and my greatest struggle is probably that I want people to love me even if only a tenth of how much I love them, and I know
when people don't like me or talk about me or even are thinking negative thoughts towards me. You know how sometimes on
some show or movie, someone can hear voices or see things, well, that's sorta how I feel sometimes. If I am in a crowded room
I can FEEL and almost 'hear' although NOT audibly, what people are thinking and not just about me either. So, when you have
struggled your whole entire life to want to be loved, liked, and accepted, and you know when you aren't, it's like a curse and
a stabbing pain that never ever goes away. It is in your face every single day that you are around other people. And even when
I'm not physically with others, I can still tell usually by their tone of voice or their choice of words, what they are feeling and how
they view me or someone else. I'm not sure if I asked GOD for this, someone has told me I have several of the manifestational gifts
so then I wonder what I should be doing with them when they are available. I'm sure it's not for me to know things so I can worry
and cry over my own pain or someone elses', or could it be? I don't know.

As you can imagine, all the above could make someone quite suicidal at times, too many times. And once I gave my life to JESUS, well,
then it wasn't mine to take anymore, so I couldn't even attempt suicide because I am only taking care of something GOD has loaned me,
my life. I also have jobs, responsibilities, duties, that I am trusted to do, being a wife, mother, and whatever else GOD has for me. So, since
I am NOT my own, I am bought with the highest possible price, meaning my KING paid the highest possible price for me, a dirty, messed up,
unfaithful, selfish little child, then I can't quit those jobs because I'm not some hired employee or servant (as some translations say), I am
literally a SLAVE (doulos) that belongs to JESUS CHRIST, bought with HIS Blood, HIS Life, for HIM to present to HIS Father. I also cannot resist
the love that HE has for me and shows me in so many ways. The more I get to KNOW HIM, the more irresistible HE is, the more I love, adore,
and want to be with HIM, and to please HIM. So, that throws the possibility of suicide out the window.

Therefore, there are many times I just rest in all that I have and all that is IN CHRIST. But my flesh still struggles with wanting to be loved,
liked, and accepted. This is a painful desire that I hope and pray the LORD will take away from me. I do love HIM, I hunger for HIM, I long
to be with HIM, so I don't understand why I care or want to be liked by anyone else.

I don't know how all this came out, it's not at all what I intended to write when I started this post. I don't even know if the title should
be what it is now or not....but I do hope and pray, because of my love for others, that someone somewhere in cyberspace will read
these ramblings and instead of comparing their 'so-so' life with those whom they THINK have better lives and perfect lives, I hope they
will see that it's highly possible that your life hasn't been near as bad as you thought it was. And IF per chance your life is so dramatically
and horribly worse than mine and everyone elses, I hope from this you can see that there is absolutely NOTHING at all that you can do, have done,
or will EVER do that will keep people like me from loving you, BECAUSE JESUS lives and loves through us, the 'mercies' of the Body of CHRIST.
It's really JESUS that loves, the FATHER that loves, and GOD will NOT give up on you and HE will provide a way out that does NOT violate HIS
WORD or HIS standards.

This leads me to the last point (I think) for now....CHOICE...you have a choice. You may say, "You don't know my situation, I have NO choice
about ******" but I a
m telling you that there is ALWAYS a choice. You may or may not like the choices, but there are always choices. Just
because the one option may lead to results you don't like doesn't mean it's NOT a viable option. You are just CHOOSING not to accept that
option because you don't want to deal with or live with the consequences. How many men and women have made a choice that led to say,
their instant execution. They could have whined, I have NOT choice, but they did, and they chose what was RIGHT even knowing it would
cost them their life, or their child's life, etc. So, if anyone EVER says, they have NO CHOICE... I hope you will pray for wisdom and IF the
LORD leads, lovingly let them know that they do have a choice. They are always choosing option A or option B. Most often they are also
choosing to allow satan to be their master or allowing GOD to be their MASTER. One is good, the other is seeking to kill and destroy you
and anyone he can using you. So, first, CHOOSE LIFE in salvation, in the abundant life, in the GODly life, in the beautiful life, in the fact that
JESUS CHRIST says, I AM THE LIFE....so choose JESUS. HE will never leave you. HE is the Friend that sticks closer than a brother. HE is all
you will EVER need. HE has created you to be a part of HIS BODY, and HE has given you people in your life that will help you walk with HIM.

I hope and pray that anyone out there in cyberworld that is struggling with whatever you are will please right now, just have enough faith to say,
GOD, I am trusting YOU are listening, PLEASE reveal YOURSELF to me in a way that I will understand and know is in accordance with YOUR BIBLE.
Please help me right now FATHER. I am so confused, I am so tired, I am so helpless and feeling hopeless but I am believing at this moment that
YOU GOD, have something for me to do for YOU that will bring glory and honor to YOUR NAME, today and for years to come. LORD, I am stuck
between a rock and a hard place right now, but I know now, YOU said that YOU would not let us be tempted beyond what we can handle and
that YOU would always provide a way out for me, so LORD, please show me right now, HOLY SPIRIT, help me see and understand so that I
may draw closer and closer to YOU and live my life for YOU. I have messed up so bad FATHER, I feel so unworthy of YOUR love and forgiveness
but I want to be forgiven, it doesn't seem possible to go back from where I am and live a good and pleasing life, but this crazy blog lady has
told me that she has done EVERYTHING wrong and yet YOU loved her and helped her and changed her life. I want YOU to do the same for me
GOD...take my life back from the enemy, from me, and help me live for YOU. I am laying down my pride and my desires and my flesh so that
I can be given YOUR desires. I am waiting and trusting and hoping in YOU JESUS. HELP ME...In JESUS NAME I am asking, HELP me please."